“Maybe a part of me is just afraid that nothing will ever be good enough if I keep aiming higher. And how desperately have I wanted for things to just be good enough? To just rest in that knowing. To feel safe with that pause.
Maybe I was so worried about it I didn’t even realize I arrived.”
The note on my phone stares back at me this morning as I try to peel the layers back. Is introspection always a vibe killer? How often are the most profound moments in life quickly followed by a further expectation of production? “CONGRATULATIONS! So now what?”
Now what, indeed. This month my life situation has fallen a bit out of my hands, and into the universe’s. Though there are moments where I hear victim mentality coming out of my mouth, I’ve been aiming my efforts towards uncovering all of the lessons this extended dog-sitting trip has to offer me. A chance to begin to detach from my house. A chance to separate from a firm home base as Miles and I plan to embark on a nomad summer. An opportunity to immerse myself in an urban environment, and still be able to drop in. The chance to feel the collective on an intense level all the time, in a building with over a thousand people in it.
What a reminder it has been thus far. Of how far I have come; and how much work there is ahead of me. And while I desperately want to say I have fully accepted my present and can see it’s beauty and offering to me, I know for certain that when the time here is up I will cry tears of unexpected gratitude for who I became while here.
I am in the midst of co-creating an offering to the world that will be one of my life’s greatest achievements. It has me reflecting on my entire spiritual journey: every soul that has walked in and made a footprint on my path, every challenge that offered me wisdom to bring me one step forward, and the kaleidoscope of Amandas that have been navigating all along.
Growth is discomfort, and I chose a path of growth and expansion. So. . . buckle up I guess?
It’s funny how being in the moment can have you questioning yourself and your sanity. In this moment, I am sitting in gratitude. How could I NOT see the gift that this 5 week stint has gifted us? But yesterday afternoon? She was PISSSEDDDDDD. She was giving full permission for her rage to be released. And then she was sad. Homesick for a house that is no longer hers. Driving with no destination until she had to park and cry. And then? She expressed it. And then she was grateful again.
Miles and I are moving through intense waves of our own stuff while immersed in someone else’s stuff. (Literally and figuratively.) Some days we communicate like souls that have been intertwined for lifetimes and speak telepathically through eye contact. Some days we avoid saying what would help the other person understand where we are coming from. Some days we yell and then apologize. Yesterday, we did all three.
There are lots of time on this path I have felt crazy. No doubt I’ll feel that way again. But one truth that I will never question is that the present is fleeting. So as deep and profound as my feelings are, they will change. I give myself permission to be unrecognizable as often as necessary in order to achieve what my soul is here to do.
Maybe, just maybe, that is more than enough.